Death by Shippers
by Cucco of Time
Summary: Watch as I have unspeakable horrors —now spoken— inflicted on me by various shippers! A oneshot fanfic. Rated T for undetailed, but somewhat gruesome, violence. A must—read — FEATURES THE DOUGHNUTS OF LIFE!


**Author's Note: Anything that's _not_ in "quotations" is the writer/narrator speaking; anything in + crosses + is happening to the writer/narrator, or outside the boundaries of the story.**

**Death by Shippers**

"Why did this have to happen?!" he cried. "No, no, this can't be! No! No!"

Daniel, a pitiful figure on the floor of a corridor of the SGC, mourned.

Just then, Jack happened to walk in. Upon seeing Daniel's lament, he complained.

"Why do I always end up waltzing right-on into these ridiculous humor fanfics?"

With further annoyance he continued "Oh great, I know that this is a fanfic. That's even worse; it's one of those interactive fanfics... You'd better not amuse yourself by inflicting gruesome violence on me, writer, or I am _so_ gonna' kick you're a-"

He stopped abruptly.

"What?! You're censoring me?! You son of a b-"

He was cut off again.

"You better let me finish my next expletive! You-rat-badword!

A momentary silence...

"_Badword_?... Oh, that's funny, real funny..."

The mourns of Daniel once again surfaced from his sub-conscious.

"So, don't tell me, you consumed the entire supply of sugar for your coffee, and still need more."

"No, much worse!" Daniel sobbed.

"Let me guess, you forgot the ninety-seventh letter of the Egyptian alphabet.

"No, worse!" Daniel responded pitifully.

"Oh, I know, you're emotionally scarred from your experience with appendicitis, and you're mourning the loss of your beloved appendix."

"Even worse!" Daniel bellowed.

"Than what the he- is wrong with you, for cryin' out loud?" demanded Jack.

"Sam is _dead_!" Daniel sobbed.

Sure enough, under Daniel's grief stricken form was the dead body of Samantha Carter, only now noticed by Jack, sprawled on the ground.

"Oh, well, golly-gee-whiz-go-figure, I knew it would be something trivial like that!"

And with that he went on his merry way...

...+ I Get mutilated by Sam/Jack Shippers +

Okay, okay, fine, I'll change it, I'll change it!

Jack tore down the hallway, throwing Daniel aside, and began to grieve over Sam's dead body, pounding his fists against her corpse in an anguished emotional trauma.

Meanwhile, the forcefully hurled Daniel bumped into Vala, (who had happened to walk in just then) killing her.

"Oh well," Daniel commented "I really don't care that she's dead; after all, I did cartoonishly and exaggeratedly hate her."

...+ I Get lacerated by Daniel/Vala Shippers +

Please, have mercy! I'll fix it! I'll fix it!

"No! Vala! My love!" cried Daniel as he violently pounded his fists on her body.

Just then Teal'c happened to waltz in (displaying surprisingly-impressive slow-dancing skills) with some boxes of doughnuts. Demonstrating his uncanny ability to appear out of nowhere and save the day, out of a golden doughnut box he pulled the Doughnuts of Life.

"Perhaps the Doughnuts of Life can render assistance." stated Teal'c heroically.

But by some cruel twist of fate, Teal'c suddenly became hungry...very hungry. He stared at those life-giving doughnuts, trying to resist. But just as victory seemed near, his hunger increased tenfold. His eyes bulged. His nose vacuumed in the tantalizing aroma of the warm, steamy, mystical doughnuts. Doughnut of Life-seeking missiles of drool homed in on their target, defying gravity. He could feel his insides digesting themselves. His body rapidly burned his fat, carbohydrates, and amino acids.

"I - will - not - give - in..." he said painfully. "I will sacrifice myself for my colleagues!" he said dramatically.

And with that, he scarfed down the Doughnuts of Life...wasting them.

Ashamed of what he had done, he vowed never to eat another doughnut again in his life, and threw the rest of the normal doughnuts to the ground, stomping them into dust underfoot.

...+ I Get mauled by Teal'c/Doughnut Shippers +

Help! Oh, the pain! I'll alter it! I'll alter it!

Ashamed of what he had done, he went into a fit of tears, munching on the regular doughnuts for comfort.

As fate would have it, Rodney McKay happened to wander in. Upon entering he noticed some naturally-flavored lemon doughnuts Teal'c had.

Rodney and the lemon doughnuts stared each other down...Finally Rodney couldn't take it any more.

"Alright! I admit it! _I_ _love_ _you_!"

He blissfully stuffed down the lemon doughnuts with years of withheld passion.

...+ Rodney/Lemon Shippers come and throw a parade for me, and carry me off joyfully, therefore causing a plot twist that contradicts the name of this fanfic +

...+ ...and without a writer to save him, Rodney went into anaphylactic shock, and suffered massive coronary heart failure... +

THE END


End file.
